How To Talk To The Ladies, By Pitbull (Aged 13)

(This review was ready to run in ChartBlog when I realised I'd got the wrong version of the song. The hit version is the remix, featuring Nicole Scherzinger. Here's the ChartBlog review of that.)

Hey, anyone remember that Nightcrawlers song 'Push The Feeling On'? Oh you do! It must have been on Dave Pearce's Dance Anthems every single week, it had a man doing some weird mumbling on it - sounding a bit like a sleeping dad, if memory serves - and if the maxim that you should always name your song after the most memorable thing in it, it should really have been called 'The Duh-Duh-Dah-Dah-DEE-Doo-Doo, Duh-Duh-Dah-Dah-Derrr-Doh-Doh Song'.

Well, even if YOU don't remember it, Pitbull does, and he's decided to follow the Flo Rida template in pimping out a Eurohit with plush new beats, a new paint job, and some hot, sick rhymes.

Unfortunately, it seems that he's done that last job rather TOO well...

(Here's the video. And then he woke up and it was all a dream...)

So, a stone-cold club classic, with some fella shouting over the top about dragging literally anyone with double-x chromasomes and a pulse off to some grotty hotel room for 'fun' and 'games'.

There's nothing you can say about a lyric like this:

"Your man just left, I'm the plumber tonight,
I'll check your pipes, oh, you the healthy type.
Well, here goes some egg whites"

And the reason there's nothing to say is that your mouth is too busy holding back the sick. Some people won't even be able to manage it. There are going to be involuntary up-swallows all over the WORLD as a result of listening to this song. Pitbull could single-handedly be responsible for a dip in global obesity levels, as queasy pop fans turn down sugary treats in favour of a brisk walk in the fresh air, to try and clear the dizzyheat and rising nausea.

The rest of the song only (ONLY!) suffers from being a bit dim. It's like some randy 13-year-old has been asked what his best fantasy date might be, and he comes back with a series of bizarre scenarios which kind of prove how little he understands about girls and dating, AND how little he personally owns.

He wants someone else's girlfriend, he wants her to bring some friends along, and he can't take them to his house - in case his parents wake up - so it's off to a hotel room instead. And not even a nice hotel room, just a room with some walls and no chance of mum popping up with tea and biscuits on a tray.

And of course the girls are gonna LOVE THIS, aren't they? Everyone loves a hotel room! And listen, Pitbull has started to do sexy maths! That's educational AND entertaining! Everyone's a winner!

NOTE: No-one is a winner.